What to Leave in 2008

When 2008 started, I had the strange feeling I wouldn't see the point of throwing the 2008 calendar in the recycle bin. I guess this did come true, for there are things about myself I will be leaving in 2008, and thus, will not see me throw the calendar away. Ok, I didn't lose weight or such and some of these things may come back to me in a lesser form, yet I will carry the intention that which is listed below will not follow me into the new year.

• Fear of failure keeping me from doing things.
• Listening to the voice of the "other" (critical self, society, parents, etc.)before my voice.
• Not believing in self.

What will you leave in 2008?

I thought they cared?

I work hard to succeed, to exceed expectations, to pursue financial stability, meet my potential. Yet, it does not matter to them as I expected. They smile and nod, cannot really understand the challenges I have faced, but they recognize my success weakly. I have done all I thought they wanted, yet they are not overjoyed. There is no copious praise, no awe. It is not like they assumed my success for such is never certain. I go downstairs to watch "House" and separate myself from them. I guess I have assumed their expectations incorrectly. I knew that they wanted me to succeed, but they didn't know what that meant more than I did. And now, I see it doesn't matter to them. As long as I am not asking for money, not breaking the law, sick, or dead, the path of my life doesn't really matter to them. Not as I want it to matter to them. Those expectations I thought were theirs are mostly my own extrapolations. I guess I only need to please myself; do what I need and want to do. I don't need to impress them. So I sit and watch "House," regretting that they will not understand what I did for them and wondering how good I really can be. As long as I care, that is all that matters in the end.

An introduction

In school, I hated writing. I was given a question to answer, would figure out how I wanted to answer it, then not get to that answer as clearly, concisely, convincingly as I wanted in the writing. How can you not get to your OWN answer? It is not like math, where the answer is absolutely out there, and if you cannot get to it, then well, you just don't have the skills yet. Math seems less contingent on the individual. I didn't take my lackings in math personally. However, writing was a different story until I took a class where I got to write from the "I" perspective. Through 14 years of education, I had been taught to not really write from within, but to write emperically. When I got to say what I really felt and thought, I found the beauty in writing. I found that I could write for myself and it felt good. Solving a math problems could never do that.

My ideas and feelings are not tangible until I commit them to paper. It gets the ideas out of my head so I can grapple with them more clearly. That doesn't mean I have everthing figured out. I have fought with some things for years. I have written in a journal since college. I also have thoughts in various steno notebooks. I thought I would add a medium and let a few of my blabberings out into the world.

"My own information" is part of a larger effort to bring change into my life. To really listen to what I have to say, to what I want. To remove the self-censorship created by what I thought my parents and society expected from me. I have been reminded recently that it is my own story afterall, not theirs. And so here goes my next chapter...